Slut

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My name is Jessie and I am a slut.

I own this identity so that it cannot be thrown against me as a weapon, though of course it still will. I own this identity because it feels like a bold sort of defiance, a refusal to sit down, to be quiet and to close my legs.

My sluttiness is a sort of overabundance, a “too much” – my shirts reveal too much cleavage, my selfies reveal too much skin, I have too much sex, I take too much pleasure, I have too many lovers, I speak too freely, I’m too comfortable inhabiting my own flesh, too comfortable using it for my own purposes. I do none of this to offend or upset, in fact it hurts me that the fact of my existing as I am is a source of disgust, judgement and paternalistic concern for others but the fact is that I exist this way because of my absolute commitment to being exactly who I am.

I am a slut because I love sex, I love the filth, fun, freedom and I love the profound connection. It is a fact of my personality and principles that I refuse to live my life in fear, refuse to make my decisions out of cowardice, my commitment is to the truth as I perceive it and the truth I perceive is that sex is an undeniable force, that denying it turns its powers dark, ugly and dangerous. Repression is a sickness that I refuse to bear.

My sluttiness does not mean I am without boundaries nor that I have low self-esteem. Though learning my boundaries has been a process throughout the years as I carve out my own path, I have a profound awareness of my own value as a lover and choose my connections carefully. I do sometimes enjoy the feeling of power that comes from being admired for my physical attractiveness but this does not mean I see it as my only value, I simply enjoy inhabiting this body of mine and utilising the gifts it has given me.

I am a slut because I have used my body for profit, I had sold images of my body for money to travel and buy art supplies when my options have been otherwise limited, I have made porn for the sheer fun of it, I have sold my sexual services when exploring ways in which I, as a disabled woman with limited employment options, might be able to pursue some degree of financial autonomy. I have no shame about profiting from my body and sexual skills, but for the discomfort I feel when I am judged and shunned and silenced by the greater world.

I’m a slut because I’ve been dominated and spanked and tied in rope at kink clubs, I’m a slut because my house parties have broken into spontaneous orgies, I’m a slut because I’ve publically orgasmed in front of big crowds of people, I’m a slut because I have multiple lovers who I adore, I’m a slut because I have a husband I’ve been with for over ten years who I still fuck on a regular basis.

I’m a slut, it is a fact without value but for that which you impose upon me. I hope, for both our sakes, that you can see I am no less human or valuable than you. I hope, for both our sakes, that you realise if you judge a woman for her sex life, you are trapped in a hateful and misogynistic mindset. I hope, for both our sakes, that you can open up your mind and heart.

I am a slut and I refuse to apologise for who I am. I’m a slut and I’m proud of who I am. I’m a slut and I’m happy with who I am. I’m a slut and I’m loved for who I am.

My name is Jessie and I am a slut.

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Shame is Boring

Recently I started making my own little youtube videos and though I’m still feeling awkward as I learn to navigate a new medium, I am finding it to be a very exciting, raw and direct means of communication and self expression. I feel tremendously excited but also incredibly vulnerable, as I allow my imperfections and awkwardness to be seen.

But I am proud of this video particularly.