a little less

(Note: This was written for a desktop and formats badly on a mobile phone.)

Maybe I could try a little harder to be a little less
suck in that gut pin up that skin oil those surgery scars but
the makeup can’t conceal the way recent trauma aged me
and I can’t always avoid eye-contact

What I could just do is speak a little softer
less opinions whining contradictions and fuck shit cunt words
the problem’s that the stuff piles up under my tongue then
spews out sudden dishevelled tangles of my truths

Perhaps I should take my clothes off less often
stop the cock sucking pussy licking arse bruising and forgetting
who I’ve fucked blurred boundaries are my comfort zones the
bearable lightness of being spread wide open

It could be that I’m tacky for loving in multiples
spreading my too much too thin too many partners a gluttonous
abundance needy greedy helpless I just can’t shut love up by
covering my ears and screaming only one name

Maybe I could try a little harder to be a little less
or maybe I just need a bigger house.

Slut

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My name is Jessie and I am a slut.

I own this identity so that it cannot be thrown against me as a weapon, though of course it still will. I own this identity because it feels like a bold sort of defiance, a refusal to sit down, to be quiet and to close my legs.

My sluttiness is a sort of overabundance, a “too much” – my shirts reveal too much cleavage, my selfies reveal too much skin, I have too much sex, I take too much pleasure, I have too many lovers, I speak too freely, I’m too comfortable inhabiting my own flesh, too comfortable using it for my own purposes. I do none of this to offend or upset, in fact it hurts me that the fact of my existing as I am is a source of disgust, judgement and paternalistic concern for others but the fact is that I exist this way because of my absolute commitment to being exactly who I am.

I am a slut because I love sex, I love the filth, fun, freedom and I love the profound connection. It is a fact of my personality and principles that I refuse to live my life in fear, refuse to make my decisions out of cowardice, my commitment is to the truth as I perceive it and the truth I perceive is that sex is an undeniable force, that denying it turns its powers dark, ugly and dangerous. Repression is a sickness that I refuse to bear.

My sluttiness does not mean I am without boundaries nor that I have low self-esteem. Though learning my boundaries has been a process throughout the years as I carve out my own path, I have a profound awareness of my own value as a lover and choose my connections carefully. I do sometimes enjoy the feeling of power that comes from being admired for my physical attractiveness but this does not mean I see it as my only value, I simply enjoy inhabiting this body of mine and utilising the gifts it has given me.

I am a slut because I have used my body for profit, I had sold images of my body for money to travel and buy art supplies when my options have been otherwise limited, I have made porn for the sheer fun of it, I have sold my sexual services when exploring ways in which I, as a disabled woman with limited employment options, might be able to pursue some degree of financial autonomy. I have no shame about profiting from my body and sexual skills, but for the discomfort I feel when I am judged and shunned and silenced by the greater world.

I’m a slut because I’ve been dominated and spanked and tied in rope at kink clubs, I’m a slut because my house parties have broken into spontaneous orgies, I’m a slut because I’ve publically orgasmed in front of big crowds of people, I’m a slut because I have multiple lovers who I adore, I’m a slut because I have a husband I’ve been with for over ten years who I still fuck on a regular basis.

I’m a slut, it is a fact without value but for that which you impose upon me. I hope, for both our sakes, that you can see I am no less human or valuable than you. I hope, for both our sakes, that you realise if you judge a woman for her sex life, you are trapped in a hateful and misogynistic mindset. I hope, for both our sakes, that you can open up your mind and heart.

I am a slut and I refuse to apologise for who I am. I’m a slut and I’m proud of who I am. I’m a slut and I’m happy with who I am. I’m a slut and I’m loved for who I am.

My name is Jessie and I am a slut.