babe I’ve got you

(Last year, the wind spraying my face with water from the cold pacific ocean and inspired by one of my favourite songs, Asido by Purity Ring, I wrote a song in my head which is something I often do, even though I don’t know how to make music and have no particular talent for it. Still, I thought I’d share the lyrics to this one because this was the closest I ever came to articulating the specificities of my own experiences of the private pain of broken trust. If anyone ever wanted to turn this into a proper song, they’d be so very welcome to.)

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I paused at the step of your door
just like so many times before
so I could hear you playing your guitar
your voice was maple syrup and cigar

you sung words of pure emotion
words of love words of devotion

I won’t let you down
I won’t let you fall

and then you kissed my mouth
and then you pushed me down

and you fucked me like your whore because I was

and when I dropped you held me near
and then you whispered in my ear

babe I love you
babe I need you
babe I’ve got you

I won’t let you down
I won’t let you fall

and I listened to those words, complete belief
and my heart it opened wide,
such sweet relief

it broke down my defences and resistance

but then the storms so cold they came,
hard wind dark sky and endless rain
it followed me around painful persistence

and your eyes grew dark with loathing and hate
and your brutal words shot lethal and straight
with your disgust your cruelty and your distance

you called me pathetic and bad
a whiny piece of shit you said
as I hovered on the edge of my existence

and then you kissed my mouth
and then you pushed me down
and fucked me like your whore you thought I was

and when I cried you held me near
and then you whispered in my ear

babe I love you
babe I need you
babe I’ve got you

I won’t let you down
I won’t let you fall

babe I’ve got you